Tell Me
by mooncheese1331
Summary: "There is a reflection of pain in her eyes, as she fights back tears./Trying to figure out why she has put up with it all of these years./Innocence gone./Just taken away./Struggling to deal with it & be free someday./Tries to tell someone but no one believes her cries./Just another young girl getting some attention through lies."-Joyce Alcantara, Listen Warning: TRIGGERS.
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING THIS CONTAINS TRIGGERS! ABUSE, IMPLIED SEXUAL ABUSE, PTSD, CUTTING, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDE ATTEMPTS! **

_13 years_

I never was anyone's prized possession. Not even something someone would save from a garage sale. The only people that cared in my life I pushed away, simply because it was easier.

When did it all get so messed up? It seems like just yesterday my dad was explaining what had happened to my mom, singing to me every night. I remember vague nightmares from the crash, muddled memories of white rooms and tubes and bags of unknown liquid. I remember my dad signing up for foster homing and us adopting Trina. He said it was a way to cope with the loss, something mom had talked with him about.

Where the hell did it go wrong?

Where did it get so bad that my father scared me enough to cause me to wait, patiently, on the edge of my bed for his nightly visits? When did it get so bad that it was an effort to move each morning? When did it get so bad that I was shaking in his presence?

I take a shuddering breath as the knob turns and my dad stumbles in, drunk, as per usual. He lets out a low growl and hits my jaw.

"It's your fault she's dead." I wince as he targets other parts of me, my stomach, my legs, my back. I want to cry, but I know that it won't do me any good and sometimes the sobs make it more painful.

My dad finally stumbles back downstairs, mumbling a few 'your fault's and a couple curses.

I rub my ribs and jaw, where most of his blows had fallen today.

I sigh and gather myself up against my soft pillow, trying to just…sleep.

XXX

_14 years_

My dad has started to abuse me in other ways. The bruises are slowly fading, but only because I don't put up a fight. I learned that lesson the hard way.

When it happens, I try to think of other things, like chasing butterflies through a garden with Mom or hugging her.

I try my hardest.

I've also started dealing in different ways, too. White lines cross each other on my upper thighs. It hurts, and I know it doesn't make sense to hurt myself more than I've already been hurt, but it works.

XXX

_14.5 years_

My dad was reported to the police by a random neighbor who heard me screaming. We're being adopted by my aunt and uncle, taking their last name to help forget. I start therapy this Thursday.

XXX

_15 years_

I've stopped hurting myself. My dad got charged with 30+ years and a restraining order. I'm starting school at a Performing Arts Academy, the one Trina goes to. It scares and exhilarates me at the same time.

XXX

_Now-16.5 years_

I have never been so scared in my life. Some creep decided to hit on me, but he wouldn't leave me alone. It was like Nozu times ten.

He said it was all in good fun, just for a laugh. But he was getting _really_ close to me and he looked slightly like my dad. That combination right there was enough to send me into a panic attack, not to mention the calling me a 'sexy ass chick with a damn fine booty' part.

I decide to blow classes off for the day, driving straight home. I take a deep breath and sprint upstairs, not taking time to think. I grab the tweezers and my shaver from the bath, slowly prying out the blade. I don't even think about it and I fall into the horrible, horrible routine just like that, as if it's my second nature. Lift, press, slide. Press, slide. Press, slide.

I look at my wrist. Hm. Usually I cut on my thighs. Oh well. I drop the razor, listening to the thundering clatter it makes on the now bloody tile.

I hear a knock on the door and, without thinking of course, shout "Come in!"

Stupid.

The doorknob turns and in stumbles none other than Jade West.

"Okay Vega, it must take a lot for you to cut school, so spill."

My mouth is trying so hard to tell her, until her eyes drift down to my wrists. I must look pitiful.

"OH MY GOD!" she shrieks.

I feel a lump forming in my throat, tears stinging my eyes.

"TORI! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!"

I shut my eyes. She sounded far too much like my father.

"Please." I whisper. Jade snarls and drags me off the toilet into my room.

I feel a few tears leaking out of my eyes. "Please, Jade, please?"

"Please _what_?" she growls. I feel my lower lip start to tremble.

"Daddy…please…" I feel my eyes start to glass over and I shake my head a few times.

"Daddy? What the hell, Vega?!"

_Daddy? Bitch, you're 13._

Smack.

_You don't call me 'Daddy'._

Kick.

"Please…not tonight." I feel myself whispering.

_You little bitch, if you hadn't been distracting her on the road, she'd still be alive! Your fault, this is your fault, it's your fault she's dead Tori!_

"It's my fault." I hear myself saying. I vaguely notice Jade is watching me with apprehension.

I feel my body give up all hope and I'm slammed onto my bed, frozen in place. I'm aware of my body curling into the fetal position.

_You're gonna tell me you like this._

"Trina!" I shout.

_You're gonna lie to everyone. _

"TRINA!"

_You're gonna tell them you fell down the stairs._

I scream.

_You won't scream anymore, now will you Victoria?_

I scream again and am aware of tears streaming hot and fast down my cheeks.

_That's it…not a sound._

Then, I'm focused. I feel myself start to breathe again. I open my eyes and stare straight at Trina, who's looking at me with tears in her eyes.

I lift myself so I'm hugging my knees to my chest. "It's all my fault, it's my fault she's dead, it's my fault, my fault she's dead, she's dead and it's my fault, it's all my fault." I whisper to myself.

I glance at my wrists. Suddenly, physical pain seems extremely appetizing.

I try to jump up but realize Trina won't let me.

"Shh, Tori, shh, it's not your fault, it's not your fault." She strokes my hair.

"Daddy said it was." I tell her matter-of-factly.

She shushes me again and I flutter my eyes shut.

I open them and my vision is completely cleared. I glance around the room and see Jade looking scared in the corner.

I look at her so hopelessly, so pityfully that she comes nearer, albeit slowly. Eventually she's right next to me.

Trina slowly lets me up and I frown at the headache that's forming at the base of my skull.

"What was that?" she asks softly.

I shake my head and feel more tears fall down my face.

Trina strokes my hair and I calm down slightly, feeling my muscles stop tensing.

I feel my eyes become unfocused and I sigh, welcoming the black that envelops me.


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up slowly.

Jade and Trina are talking and I check my phone. 1:00. I had been passed out for 13 straight hours. I notice Trina leave, tapping the door shut behind her.

I frown and clear my throat, the events of yesterday creeping back into my mind.

Instinctively, I look around for my dad. Remembering that he's behind bars, I stare into Jade's aquamarine eyes. I know my own are full of shame.

"Never. Speak. Of. What. Just. Happened." I tell her slowly. My voice is incredibly hoarse and I have a pounding headache, but I need to know that this won't get around the school.

"What did happen?" she frowns and I let out a humorless laugh.

"Obviously I was chasing rainbows in the field of dreams! Oh also angels were there and unicorns too! My future husband, the doctor, was about to carry me off into the sunset when Trina was rude enough to bring me back into reality. So sad!" I smirk and Jade narrows her eyes.

"Watch it, Vega."

I frown, shaking my head.

Jade sighs and sits next to me on the bed, rubbing my knee. "Please…you can trust me?" her face screws up like she's just eaten a lemon.

I sigh. "I know I can," I begin. "but I really would rather not talk about it."

My eyes flit downwards and back up to hers. I subconsciously rub my hand over my wrists, feeling the scabs under my feather-light touch.

She hesitates, like she's going to push again, but sighs instead.

I give her a soft smile and lean back on the bed, closing my eyes.

I frown.

"Jade." I whisper.

"Yeah?"

"Would you stay with me?" I ask. I'm aware of how childish I'm being right now, but it would be nice, okay?

She bites her lip and eventually nods, settling into bed next to me. I smile as her arms sort of wrap around my waist.

"It's okay." I whisper and feel her hold on me tighten. It's very un-Jade-like, and I suspect Trina told her something, but at the moment I don't care.

_I'm in the middle of a forest, I know that much. It's dark, and the trees have formed a sort of maze._

_"TORI!" I hear a scream from my right. _

_"TORI!" I hear a scream from my left._

_Then, all together, from all direction, "TORI!"_

_I spin around and feel like my world is collapsing. I stumble forwards several feet before dropping to my knees._

_"TORI!"_

_I look up and my dad has Jade in his hands. There's a gun to her head._

_BANG!_

_Dead._

_I blink, and Jade turns to Cat. _

_BANG!_

_Dead._

_Beck._

_BANG!_

_Dead._

_Robbie._

_BANG!_

_Dead. _

_Andre._

_BANG-_

_I'm screaming by this point and feel my body shaking. This wasn't fair, at least I did something wrong, I killed my mom, they did nothing wrong, why was he doing this?_

_I feel my heart rate speed up as he points the gun at me and-_

"Tori." I hear a soft whisper in my ear and I open my eyes. The clock says its 4 am.

I turn and Jade looks concerned.

"You were shaking. And sweating. And swearing."

I frown and turn back.

"I'm sorry…" I whisper.

"For what?"

"Waking you up…"

I feel her smile. "It's fine; just don't make a habit of it."

I smile and fall into a dreamless sleep.

/

I wake up at 7 AM sharp. Jade's still behind me and I sigh before going about my daily morning routine. It was a Saturday, so no school.

I log onto the website and scroll through before finding my favorite poem, if you could call it a 'favorite'.

"There is a reflection of pain in her eyes, as she fights back tears.  
Trying to figure out why she has put up with it all of these years.  
Innocence gone.  
Just taken away.  
Struggling to deal with it & be free someday.  
Tries to tell someone but no one believes her cries.  
Just another young girl getting some attention through lies.  
Suicide has crossed her mind but she will not go out that way.  
Thinking well maybe if he can't find me, he just won't rape me today.  
Perfect smile.  
Broken soul.  
Living in this situation that she just can't control.  
Things get worse & he beats her more.  
Loses all self respect for herself when he comes through that door.  
Fed up & full of hope she tried to fight back.  
He pulled out a knife, all she saw was black.  
Out of her misery & out of her pain.  
Put her in such a place that she can't even explain.  
But she tried to tell someone although they didn't believe her cries.  
Just maybe if someone would have listened...this young girl would still be alive."

It's by Joyce Alcantara, and it really sort of represents the situation I was in. I had no way out, Trina was mostly naïve to the whole situation, and most days I wanted to just waste away.

I feel tears sting my eyes as I open up the file I've been working on for several months now.

"Baby don't listen to him,

It hurts and you'll cry

But please, honey

Don't listen.

Don't understand when he says to cooperate

Don't listen when he tells you it's normal

Don't comprehend when he's mean, baby

Darling, please just don't listen.

It gets better

As bad as that sounds

Maybe tonight he'll finally get caught

So sweetheart, just remember

To please, never listen."

I can't bring myself to post it. Leah, my therapist, says I should, but I just…can't. Not until I've healed a little more.

I sigh and close the file, turning around to see a half-asleep Jade stretching on my bed. I smile and get dressed, tossing her a set of clothes

She stretches a little more and puts on the clothes. I smile and walk downstairs, flinching as I hear Trina's doorknob turn.

I relax and start to make breakfast while Jade watches TV. I force a smile.

"You want eggs?"

**AN: No, I have never cut. I never will. I have not personally experienced this abuse, but know several that have. The website I will be getting the poems from is . I recommend you visit it :) **

**Also, Tori's poem is not from that website, it is from my own mind. **


End file.
